I have written more bios, and About Me’s, and done more pitches about Not Carrie Bradshaw than I can count.  My trusted team of advisers admonished me to do a video to give people a visual with a more in depth explanation of who I am, and what this site is really about.  After all if Beyoncé has taught us nothing, it’s that people love a visual.  Watch below!

The 2017 MTV Movie and TV Awards premiered last night.  I have a confession, I didn’t watch.  I have discovered a new love in the form of a cartoon called Young Justice on Netflix, and between that and the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion, I just didn’t care.  However, that didn’t stop me from having thoughts on the red carpet looks.  After all, isn’t that what the internet is for?  Giving us the opportunity to judge people we don’t know, at events we didn’t attend?  Let’s begin, shall we?

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of attending my favorite beauty event of the year, the Essence Best in Beauty Awards held at the Sugar Factory in the Meatpacking District.  There is just something about being in a room of women who look like you, and have a shared experience that gives you a sense of belonging and normalcy.  This isn’t something I get to experience at my 9-5.  This year’s panel discussion was hosted by Essence Magazine’s Beauty Editor, Julee Wilson with Vanessa Simmons and Zonnique Harris.  While I enjoyed the conversation, and the lite bites, I have to admit the gift bags are a major incentive to attend.  They literally give you the best in black beauty products.  My favorite thus far is the Colgate Optic White toothpaste (I am convinced that, that paired with my activated charcoal are making my teeth whiter).  I am also obsessed with mascaras, and I have tried many, but Essence really put me on game with COVERGRIRL So Lashy! Blastpro Mascara.

Photo: Terrence Jennings

Photo: Terrence Jennings

Some would call the Met Gala the biggest night in fashion, and with good reason.  The Queen of All Things Luxury and Fashion, Vogue Editor In Chief, Anna Wintour, whom the Met’s Costume Institute was renamed after, invites the who’s who of high society out for a night that honors fashion.  The purpose of the Met Gala is not just to give the have nots a reason to judge the haves, it’s to benefit the Anna Wintour Costume Center and to debut the newest exhibit installation at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  The theme of the gala is whatever the new exhibit is.  Ideally everyone is to come in costume (operative word) in keeping with the theme.  This year’s exhibit honors the work of Rei Kawakubo of Comme des Garçons, so everyone should’ve come either wearing the designer or the designer’s aesthetic achieved by another designer to pay homage.  In essence, the Met Gala is a haute couture costume party.

While I always have a bit of a struggle with the exclusivity of such events, I rationalized it with the thinking that only the wealthiest and most influential people can be invited, because those are the only people who have the means to properly honor the night’s theme.  This is an opportunity to really have fun, and do the absolute most with fashion, yet every year only a handful of people show up and actually do that.  This breaks down the entire reasoning behind the exclusivity of the event. If Rihanna is the only person we can count on to show up and show out, then why are we all here?  Granted a few others played along, but not all had the swag to really pull the looks off.  Then there were celebs like Kim Kardashian and J. Lo who have proven over and over again that they are pretty, yet they show up like it’s just any other event.  We know you’re pretty, we know you’re glam, why couldn’t you just play along for a fun night of avant garde fashion?  For Anna Wintour to be rumored to be such a hard ass, I can’t for the life of me understand why she continues to invite people to the Met Gala who don’t do the theme justice.  It’s all political I suppose.  Deep sigh.  Anyway, below are some of my faves, but I have to acknowledge Cynthia Erivo’s look which I only saw after the fact.  She looked phenomenal.

Holding court!! Pre #metgala17

A post shared by cynthiaerivo (@cynthiaerivo) on May 1, 2017 at 10:59pm PDT

Men’s edition #MetGala faves. Shouts out to #Migos for making a song about #Versace and then being dressed by the house for the occasion. We shouldn’t be surprised to see rappers at major fashion events, because they influence the culture far more than they get credit for. #Diddy on the steps is my new mood goal for life. I can’t even deal with how well #michaelbjordan wears a suit. My goodness. #ramimalek killed it in all red; although, I would’ve liked to have seen a sleeker shoe. #maxwell #jadensmith #donaldglover #future

A post shared by Jess (@notcarriebradshaw) on May 2, 2017 at 7:54am PDT

A post shared by Jess (@notcarriebradshaw) on May 2, 2017 at 6:49am PDT

A post shared by Jess (@notcarriebradshaw) on May 2, 2017 at 6:39am PDT

Am I the only person who is confused by women identifying as mermaids and unicorns?  Did I miss the pop culture reference point here?  This is no judgement to those people.  By no means am I trying to be one of those, “Oh I’m so cool because I’m not with the latest fads” type of people, but I’m just so confused by the recent uptick in women’s identification with mythological creatures.

I read the way some women write about love, and the anguish of losing it.  I listen to the way some women sing about it, saying they would rather die than to exist in a world without them.  I read about how some women feel the man they’re with is their entire purpose for being, that he is her everything.  I enjoy taking in their experiences as a voyeur, because I feel very detached from the experience of being hopelessly, madly, deeply in love.

Photo: Tre Thomas

Let’s talk white pants.  Some people still live by the “fashion rule” that you don’t wear white after Labor Day, or before Easter.  I do not submit to such restrictions, because the first rule of fashion (as far as I’m concerned) is that there are no rules.  With that being said, I like a good white pant all year long, but they are mostly a warm weather staple.  The trouble with white pants is that they tend to be translucent, especially if the fabric is thin.  This is especially the case for white linen pants (another warm weather staple).  Some women like to solve this problem by risking it all and going commando, some people wear a thong, and some people just disrespect the hell out of all of us and wear a full on black or nude brief.  So every spring/summer, at every all-white party, it looks like trashier version of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.  Newsflash boo boo, we can all see your underwear.  I’m not sure if people know and don’t care, or are somehow oblivious to the many stares they’re receiving.  Don’t be that person showing up to your family reunion, upsetting the aunties with your underwear showing.  There has to be a better way (infomercial voice)!

A few things I’m thinking about today:

Why are the white women in my office always tired?  Literally the second thing they say to me every day is, “I’m so tired.”  If it’s around 3 PM, sure, we all hit that slump around then.  But it is 10 AM.  You’ve done nothing.  We work in an office, wherein we sit and surf the internet most of the time, and have an unlimited supply of caffeine.  What are you tired from? For fucks sake get an adequate amount of sleep and leave me alone.

Photo: Tre Thomas

Have you noticed that it is equally as difficult to find boyfriend jeans that fit as it is to find an actual boyfriend that fits?  I can’t tell if the irony there is beautiful or tragic.  If for some reason you are not familiar with the concept, boyfriend jeans are so named, because they should fit like the jeans you might borrow from your boyfriend: loose, relaxed fit, a little distressed, cuffed at the bottom.  I first became obsessed with them via Kim Kardashian B.K. (before Kanye).  I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how she found jeans with the right fit given the size of her butt.  Well it’s because her thighs are not as big as her butt (no tea no shade).

Photo: Tre Thomas

When you have a big butt, and big thighs, a man’s jeans won’t really fit you the way boyfriend jeans theoretically should.  Hell, even if you are a man with a big butt and big thighs a lot of men’s pants won’t fit you.  I learned this one day when I was working at Ted Baker in the men’s suiting department, and a fine ass white dude who was a former football player couldn’t fit our pants.  Apparently it’s a problem for a lot of guys with that kind of athletic build.  Who knew dudes had those kinds of problems?  But enough about them, we have our own problems.  Am I right ladies?

Anyway.  I set out on a year’s long journey to find actual boyfriend jeans that fit.  I cannot tell you how many pairs I tried on that just made me look insane.  They were huge in the waist, super fitted in the butt and thighs, and way too long to be cuffed.  This was one of the great tragedies of my life.  Excuse me as I weep.  Well, I am happy to say I finally found a pair at Uniqlo.  If you’re curvy, you’re going to have to accept that you’ll need to get these altered in the waist.  There’s no way they can have the loose fit you want without also creating a huge gap in the waist.  I; however, didn’t have time to get the waist taken in on these, so I paired them with this slouchy over-sized sweater to hide the gap.  I do not recommend wearing flats with these as you’ll need the extra height to not look frumpy.  I’ve seen it done with sneakers, but it’s not really a favorite look of mine.  Because they’re relaxed and loose, I like to femme the look up with a heel.

Photo: Tre Thomas

Let’s Review:

• Boyfriend jeans are a part of the plot to bring down thick women whose boyfriend’s jeans would never fit her.  Fight back by finding a pair that work.
• A pair that will fit the way you want them to will require them to be huge in the waist, and you can get the waist taken in by a tailor.  Do not roll your eyes at me, and stop being lazy.
• Uniqlo is a great starting point, and if you order them online, go a size up.
• Heels are ideal for a balanced look.

Any questions?

Photo: Tre Thomas

Photo: Tre Thomas

You wake up every morning to sweet text messages.  Not that “good morning beautiful” bullshit either.  You wake up to genuine well wishes and sentiments of longing to see you, and now you have an extra boost of energy for the day.  He calls and says, “Get dressed we’re going out,” and you love the spontaneity and mystery of it.  He keeps you on your toes, so you’re never bored.  You may even travel to see him sometimes.  He has an enduring presence in the back of your mind.  He makes you laugh and blush.  He pleases you in ways you’ve never experienced before, and unexpectedly you find yourself daydreaming, replaying it in your mind and outwardly biting your lip in memory of the moment.  You discuss things about the world, and he introduces you to ideas and concepts you’d never considered before.  He makes you think.  He disarms you.  He makes you feel comfortable.  He really sees you.  He says things in the plural like us and we, and uses future tense.  But this is not your boyfriend.  No commitments have been made, and fear, anxiety, and insecurity creep in.  Now every time his phone goes off you wonder if it’s another girl.  Now you grow suspicious of the times he’s taken a little longer to text back.  Now you notice certain likes and comments under his pics.  Now you have the sneaking suspicion that that which you’ve become accustom to may not actually belong solely to you.