Let’s just jump right in. I basically consider myself the spokesperson for single black women who haven’t given up on love, but who aren’t pressed about finding it either. We are a unique breed often spotted in the wild minding our own damn business and flourishing. It burns my biscuits when I see those Instagram accounts devoted solely to telling black women how they should deal with being single and/or what they should do to find a man. They have those nonsensical captions that say shit like, “Keep your head up, your king may be watching from afar.”  How about you keep your head up just because you’re supposed to keep your damn head up? But I digress.

On to the point here.  Non-single people mean well I’m sure. You approach conversations with your single friends about single life and dating with the best of intentions, yet you seem to end up being kind of a dick about the whole thing. Somehow you end up saying some very problematic things  in an effort to “comfort” your single friends. So, as the self proclaimed spokesperson let me just tell you, you have to chill with the following statements:

1) “You have to stop looking for a fine ass dude. I wasn’t attracted to my husband at first, but look at us now.”

First of all sis, stop telling people you low key think your dude is ugly. Even if your husband now looks like Boris Kodjoe to you, as opposed to him looking like a gremlin initially, stop telling people that. Moreover, some of you who say that actually have attractive husbands to begin with. So why should you get to walk around married to Idris Elba, and because I’m single I should just take whatever I can find? What kind of shit is that to tell someone? We all know that a person can become better looking to you as you get to know them (if you like what you’re getting to know) but don’t tell me that I should settle for a dude who looks like Flavor Flav in the face off rip.  Second, I consider my children. Won’t someone think of the children?! Life is hard for unattractive kids. I know, because I was one. Lastly, unattractive dudes don’t know they’re unattractive.  Why?  Because there are sooooooo many chicks who genuinely don’t care about looks (good for you guys).  Those girls are willing to date Sloth from the Goonies, and treat those guys like royalty, so those guys really don’t know they aren’t attractive. In fact, they have women lined up for the opportunity to be with someone, anyone.   So they too walk around treating the Ciara’s of the world like Future, not knowing they look like burned bacon. In summation, an unattractive guy can be just as trash as a fine guy. It’s a vicious lie that ugly guys treat women better. Have you seen Peter Gunz? He’s a failed rapper who looks like a thumb, yet look at how he’s treated the women in his life. What I need you guys to know is that we aren’t looking for Ralph Angel (although it would be nice) we just wanna be attracted to our significant other, and that’s not too much to ask for. It’s insanely offensive to tell your homegirl to settle for someone she’s not attracted to, just so she won’t be alone. Hard pass bro. Hard pass.

2) “You should read this (insert shitty book filled with shitty dating advice written by shitty person).”

From what I can gather, the happiest marriages are the ones in which two people commit because they want to.  There are no romantic comedy like antics.  There are no tricks, or rules, or handbooks, or worksheets.  If it’s meant to be, it should just happen without us having to use Jedi mind tricks.  I don’t want to trick someone into being with me.  Those books are trash. Next.

3) “Maybe your standards are too high.”

Rubs temples. Most of us are not asking for much I swear. Why are we always asked to adjust our expectations, but no one is telling guys to step up? We are not viewed as whole to you people unless we are attached to a guy, yet no one is telling these guys to be good guys. You’re comfortable telling women to think like men, but you’re not telling men how to be men? How does that make sense Steve? Believe me when I tell you, most of our standards are really reasonable, so this perpetual desire you people have to fault us for guys not wanting to commit has to stop. At some point, you have to consider that maybe a guy is responsible for his penis, and not me. Just a thought.

4) “Women these days don’t cook and clean like their grandmothers did, that’s why they can’t find a man.”

You gotta stop comparing us to our grandmothers, whom you’ve never met. You cannot expect for women today to behave like the women of yesteryear when you are not the men of that era yourself. I have literally had guys try to explain to me why a woman should offer to pay for the first date, yet those same guys will argue that women should be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. Where the hell do you expect for this mystical woman to get the damn money from to pay for the date then? If you can’t change a flat tire, fix a broken pipe, or qualify for a home loan, then how is it fair that you want a full turkey dinner by 6:00 PM when I have to work just like you do? If you aren’t providing a life that lends itself to a woman being able to stay home, and be the domestic home maker of your dreams, then how about you shut the hell up? And newsflash, no amount of expertly fried chicken, and meticulously cleaned baseboards is going to make a guy put a ring on it if he doesn’t want to.  Will I cook, and clean?  Sure, because I too am hungry (constantly) and I too enjoy a clean house.  If I am tired from working a 60 hour work week; however, can’t we just order some take out and chill?