We always get so introspective this time of year.  There’s something about a fresh start that makes us feel motivated to go after what we want and improve our lives.  One factor that we often overlook is the role that being around friends and family during the Holidays plays.  That energy gives you energy, and when life returns to normal that motivation somewhat fades, and we fall back into old habits.  Determined not to do so, I took a long hard look at myself and thought about what I really need to do to see things come to fruition this year.  After much deliberation within my own head I concluded that I have to find balance.  It seems to me that we can find a place of internal peace and happiness if we can strike a good balance between the conflicting aspects of our lives.

I had the pleasure of witnessing life unfold for some of the people I love the most this Holiday season.  My niece was born, my best friend got engaged, and I got a real adult job to name a few.  Looking at these life changing events, combined with the looming approach of the new year made me realize that I want someone in my life now. I have shied away from it, because for the past couple of years the few people I have loved haven’t really loved me back the way I wanted them to.  I honestly still feel drained from the thought of going through unrequited love and admiration again.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when the person you want so bad simply does not feel the same way.  You try not to internalize it, but truthfully it hurts more than we want to admit to ourselves or our friends.  The fear of enduring that again is paralyzing to an extent.  These thoughts lead me to deduce that I have to find balance in order to allow someone in, because I’m such an extremist in love.  After a few years you realize that everyone’s intentions are not as pure as yours and you don’t have the freedom to love everyone the way you want to without being bruised as well. But I think that if I can find a balance between being open to the possibility of someone new and not giving my all too soon, that I should be fine.  I’m literally terrified to do this, but no risk no reward, right?

I wonder if this is that thing guys talk about when they say women are irrational and unpredictable.  Some days I feel like I can conquer the world and some days I feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.  I have this platform and I have no idea what to do with it.

I have a few excuses for why I don’t write on here that often:

1. I don’t feel like anyone is reading it anyway so who am I hurting here?
2. I question my material a lot.  Is this good enough?  Does the site look inviting?  Would anyone care to read this?
3. I get paid to write for StyleBlazer and mama needs her coins honey.

I suppose I should look at this as my outlet to say what I have not been approved to say on StyleBlazer.  I look at a lot of fashion blogs throughout the day and I’m baffled at the content.  I consider myself to be within the world of fashion (albeit as a spectator) and I don’t even find much of it to be compelling or interesting.  I find myself asking: who the hell is this for?  So maybe I should be the change I want to see and write the things I would like to read.  We’ll see.

This past weekend I took a brief break from the Big Apple to visit family and friends, and to host an amazing fashion networking event presented by Layllah Style.  They are two very stylish sisters from Atlanta that I’ve known for years, who collaborated to put together an event for women in fashion and beauty in Atlanta to network.  I had the pleasure of hosting a panel discussion composed of some of Atlanta’s up and coming and established entrepreneurs.  I’m so honored to have been a part of such an amazing event.

I’ll be posting the video footage of the panel discussion really soon.  Meanwhile you can shop with Layllah Style at www.layllah.com

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your dreams?  Not the dreams you have during your sleep that freak you out when all of your teeth fall out, but your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.  I wake up a lot of nights feeling overwhelmed by how big my dreams are, because it is so hard for me to fathom that they can come true.  And I have this fear that if they don’t I will be in a constant state of never ending restlessness.  I wake up out of my sleep in the wee hours of the morning hungry to make the right move to get me one step closer.  The worse is scrolling through Instagram looking for inspiration and seeing so many people living the life I want to live for myself.  Not that I want anyone else’s life.  I just have this burning desire to make mine so much greater than what it is now, and that desire sometimes consumes me.

We live in this age where people are always trying to motivate you to just follow your dreams.  These quotes are everywhere you turn.  “Go out and do it,” they say, completely unaware of how much it takes to do so.  Dreams take money, and when you don’t come from a family that can fund them for you, it makes your road to success that much more bumpy.  I welcome the bumps, don’t get me wrong.  I want to be able to say that I made it without having anything just handed to me, but some days I yearn for a little bit of ease.  When every dollar you get automatically belongs to someone else, it gets harder and harder to see your goals come to fruition.  It’s like a dark cloud looming over your head.

I start a new job in a few days, and I’m so thankful for the opportunity, but all I can think is this still isn’t enough.  When will I find that opportunity that will be?  It seems so simple.  All I want to do is talk and write about fashion and life with great people, and be impeccably dressed while doing so.  I guess I shouldn’t trouble myself with how God is going to work things out for me.  I can only trust that He will.  This is just one of the many nights that I can’t sleep trying to figure out what my next move should be.

I remember hearing (ironically enough probably from Sex and the City) that in New York you are always either looking for an apartment, a boyfriend, or a job.  I find myself desperately searching for two of those things, and praying that the third will find me when the time is right.

I thought this was interesting art on the walls headed to the roof of The Standard.

So here’s the tea.  My landlord thought it would be a good idea to raise my rent by $200 per month; hence, I have to find a new place to live by September.  Retail is the absolute pits, but I’m making the best of it, and hoping to land something corporate soon.  I’m afraid that my writing career is suffering as a result of my retail job.  I have never been a very artsy fartsy person, but you really have to be in a certain head space to write, and to write well.  Truthfully, after a long day of being so “on” I want to come home and just get horizontal, but I know that no goals will be accomplished that way.

I have to say my first summer in New York has been a tad uneventful albeit pleasant.  Nothing to write home or here about.  Today I actually had an off day that was pretty cool.  I went running in Central Park, and I discovered the joy that is Uniqlo.  Later  we celebrated a friend’s birthday atop the Standard Hotel (where Beyonce filmed the video for “Rocket”) in the Meatpacking District, which is one of my favorite areas here.  The scenery was really nice overlooking the water, but the crowd left an awful lot to be desired.  I will say that the $6 banana and Nutella crepe made it more than worth the trip.  I think I may have a slight Nutella addiction, but hey the first step is to admit it.

Dress: Uniqlo Shoes: H&M Necklace: So old I don’t remember

I feel like I get on here and complain, and that’s not my intention at all, but this is therapeutic for me.  It gives me a chance to vent without running the risk of boring my friends to death.  I love this city honestly.  It’s dirty, smelly, and for the very wealthy, but I have never felt more like I belong.  Everyone that I meet here is working a job to fund their dreams just like I am.  I take comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in what my coworker calls this “beautiful struggle.”

Really dope artwork on the walls headed to the rooftop

There are those rare moments in ones life where you meet someone very casually.  You never have a very intense conversation, but that person impacts you greatly, and you develop an admiration for them from afar.  This happened to me when I met Erika Bearman AKA OscarPRGirl while interning at Oscar de la Renta.

The VP of the department I worked in invited myself and my intern partner to accompany her to a speaking engagement where she would be introducing Erika.  My intern partner, who has become one of my closest friends, and I shot each other a glance as to say “oh shit we get to meet her!”  Via her Instagram handle we had a mutual admiration for the Director of Communications for Oscar.  Living vicariously through her enviable closet, shiny job title, and Instagram photos, she seemed like a celebrity.  We had both seen her so many times gliding through the showroom in heels that made her even more the model she appeared to be.  At first glance I assumed she was one of the many fit models there for market week, but because she was actually clothed unlike the models, I should’ve known she was someone else.  She would flash a quick smile while hustling to dress a socialite or celebrity for a red carpet, but there was never any dialogue, because I dared not to speak. The VP of the department (who shall remain nameless here) introduced Erika, and she began giving the audience a brief overview of how she came to be OscarPRGirl.  I was a tad disappointed to find that she worked her way up in fashion via a meeting set up by her parents.  Fashion was never her initial goal, she told us, she had gotten a degree in Art History.  I’m always a little disheartened when I find out that people I admire in fashion didn’t struggle to get where they are.  It makes it seem like my goals are that much further away.  Not to say those people didn’t/don’t work hard or are undeserving, it just makes me wonder if anyone went through what I’m going through to start a career in this industry. She sat indian style in her Prada platforms, oversized navy pants with off the shoulder black shirt and talked very matter of factly.  She even told us about how Oscar teased her when she dyed her hair blonde, which was met with quite a bit of controversy in the office.

One thing she said stood out to me: if I have to slave away at something for the rest of my life, fashion is a pretty good way to go out.  I felt those words as if she had literally hit me with them.  That statement came at a point in time when my friend and I were feeling overworked and under appreciated and praying that it would all be worth it.  We had both been praying to get through the rest of the semester successfully, and those words gave us the second wind we needed to press on.  After taking time to answer questions, and then to pass out business cards and converse with the audience, my friend and I were left alone with her.  The team we worked for left to get drinks and told us to let Erika know where they were headed.  Perfect!  We have a reason to talk to her.  She was so pleasant.  Her grace, the way she carried herself, her confidence, her style, her advice all of those things stuck with me.  We never communicated beyond “hi how are you?” and casual pleasantries, and I am certain that if I ever saw her on the street she would have no idea who I am.  But I must admit that I feel privileged to have met her and to have observed her work ethic.  There are times when I am beyond tired and I just want to go to the safety of my southern home, but I always remember what she said that day in that auditorium and I push forward.

One of my favorite style bloggers is UK based Soraya De Carvalho.  You can check out her blog here http://styleismything.blogspot.com.  Her style is so next level to me.  She never just looks dressed, she is always styled, which is evident in the details of her ensembles.  Oh and can we get into that great hair?  Here are some of my favorite looks from her, but there are so many more.  I encourage you to explore her site for outfit inspiration.  On a positive note in the midst of me applying for full time jobs, I was able to get something part time that I applied for months ago, so I’ll be posting more outfit pictures soon.

 “I know who I am. I love who I am. I like what I do, and I like how I do it. I like my mistakes and I like the pace at which I learn from my mistakes. I don’t want to be anybody else but me, and by knowing this, I want to continue figuring out who the f*ck I am.”

Zoe Saldana

I came across this quote via twitter and it really resonated with me.  Today I hit the pavement and went to Bloomingdale’s and Barney’s New York trying to pimp myself out to employers, but to no avail.  That’s the thing about applying for jobs online.  It takes away your ability to really sell yourself outside of your application.  So I figured I would go to the HR department after I submitted online applications, but didn’t get to speak with anyone.  I got to leave my resume with the concierge at Barney’s (she said with heavy sarcasm) but that was about it.

I treated myself to some Thai and a tasty crepe and headed home.  No sooner than I got in the house did a thunderstorm start, so I ate and took a great nap.  There’s something about when it rains here that makes me feel really lonely and super single.  I was almost relieved when I came across that quote, because it reminded me that that’s what I should be using this time for.  I keep thinking that I’m ready for a relationship, but I think I want to continue figuring out who the f*ck I am.  I’ve become almost frighteningly comfortable being alone, because of all the things I continue to learn about myself.  I can only hope that the person I’m supposed to be with will bring me out of that.

Use the “down time” in your life to get to know you and figure out who you are, because believe it or not you’re amazing.  The confidence that comes from being secure within yourself helps you not to settle for anything less than what you want in life as a whole.  The fear of being alone makes a lot of people settle for some unbelievable things, especially in relationships.  I’ve been there and it’s not fun.  Don’t be that person.

Everyone is on a never ending quest to find themselves.  You may be comfortable at certain points in your life with who and what you are, but we always find ourselves attempting reinvent ourselves.  This has become so much more apparent to me with people my age.  I scroll through my Twitter feed and I see the “fake deep” contrarians who think they have everything figured out, and post tweets as if they’ve stumbled upon some great social revelation.  I see the girl that has clearly been hurt too many times before, so much so that she has now begun to identify with the men that wronged her and is “going back to the old her.”  Then there are the woman haters.  The men that start most of their social media posts with phrases like: “a lot of y’all women need to (insert pretentious chauvinistic typical phrase here).”  They’ve been hurt once or twice by a few chicks that were trying to find themselves too, and by their reasoning all women are horrible creatures that are a curse upon the earth.

At any rate, the commonality amongst people trying to find themselves or figure life out is that there’s a lot of collateral damage incurred along the way.  As you try to mold yourself into who and what you want to be you come to discover that some people don’t fit into that ideal.  You outgrow some people, and some become disposable.  I realized that I, like many of my friends have fallen victim to this.  It’s ok to want to grow and evolve, and discover the best you that you can be, but keep in mind the people you hurt on that journey.  Some of us would prefer to be left off of that ride.  Just a thought.

I am officially a graduate of the Fashion Institute of Technology, and it really hasn’t quite sunk in yet.  I can’t believe that I don’t have a million and one things to worry about right now.  I have accepted a position as a freelance writer for Style Blazer so look out for my articles on there.  Of course I will still be updating Not Carrie Bradshaw, now even more than before.  Since I no longer have to worry about school and interning, I can devote more time to writing and developing my craft.

Me on graduation day wearing BCBG under my gown.

I feel like I’ve come through one phase of my journey successfully, and now the sky truly is the limit.  I always thought that phrase to be overs used, but I genuinely feel that way.  There were so many obstacles that presented themselves to make this seem like an impossible feat, and I can’t believe that it’s done.  The confidence that comes from achieving something through adversity is like no other.  I don’t think that graduating Magna Cum Laude would have as much significance if it weren’t for the personal and financial obstacles.  I feel like I can do anything at this point in my life, and I don’t expect for any of it to be easy.  I once shied away from what was difficult, thinking that if it were for me it would be easier to achieve.  I now see the error in that way of thinking.  I welcome challenges now, because they make victory that much sweeter.