I get really comfy in my bed, and brace myself for the worse. This can’t end well, I think to myself. He tries to start the conversation off with pleasantries. How was your workout? Did you stick to your meal plan today? I immediately shut it down and get straight to the point.

“I need to know what happened and why. Why would you make plans with me and just not show up or call or text and let me know you’re not coming? I don’t cook for anybody. I barely cook for myself, so for me to go out of my way to do something for you and you feel no obligation to explain yourself is beyond insulting.” From there he goes into his reluctance to explain himself and we agree that we should take a step back, and stop doing relationship things since we aren’t prepared to go in that direction. He can’t promise that inconsistencies won’t happen again. Here I was thinking we were slowly cruising to Relationship Town, but we’ve come to a screeching halt at the Avenue of Pump Your Brakes, and I Ain’t Ready Boulevard. I feel crushed. The things I got so used to him doing he won’t be doing anymore. I know that’s for the best and all because I don’t want to be lead on, but damn, I felt like we were so close. Wrong again.

We are both hesitant to rush into a relationship. Him because he just got out of a three year relationship in November, and me because I want to take my time before committing to anyone. At my age, there’s no purpose in a commitment if you don’t see yourself marrying the person. Otherwise, you are wasting each other’s time and blocking the potential to meet other candidates. I fully believe that we should be diversifying our portfolios. So you see why I am perfectly fine not having a title just yet, but I will not ever again in my life allow anyone to disrespect me even in the dating phase. I can’t just roll over and accept inconsistency…not again.

So how do we put this on hold without it ending? He proposes we just go on dates for a while. No sleeping over, just date and start from scratch and see what happens from there. I still have that sinking feeling in my stomach. You know the one where you’re on a roller coaster, and just before it drops down, your ears get hot, and your anxiety is at its highest because you know you’re about to fall? I whisper an almost inaudible okay to end the conversation. I take a Valium. I stretch out on my new sheets on my new mattress on my new bed in my new apartment, and I feel comforted that I don’t have to share this with anyone yet. Everything in this place is mine. I worked hard for all of it, and I feel a sense of pride for protecting myself and my space, because this isn’t something I used to do.

I used to be the kind of girl who just wanted to be cool. I never wanted to say too boldly what I wanted or set any standards, because I was so scared of coming off as a nag or a bitch, or running a guy off. What I came to realize after being run over and drug by some guys is that if you don’t set standards, they will seriously do whatever you allow. Furthermore, if you strike fear, anger or resistance in the heart of a guy for saying how you want to be treated, then he’s just not that into you, and that’s okay. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know. It’s a major blow to your ego to accept that someone you want doesn’t want you or want you the way you want them, but a man who wants you wholeheartedly with no questions can’t be scared off. Have you ever had a person have an unrequited crush on you? You remember how relentlessly they pursued you without you doing much of anything? It’s because they knew they wanted you.

I woke up today not needing my Winter coat and was reminded that Spring/Summer AKA Choosing Season is coming up. So all’s well that ends well.

In closing, I would like to remind you what the great philosopher Gucci Mane once said: girls (men) are like buses, miss one next fifteen one coming.

I can’t even deal with how cold it is again. We thought the last days of Winter were behind us, but no. I am fully layered up in my puffer coat, hood buttoned, and hands shoved in my fleece lined pockets while the wind is accosting my face. I’m trucking it to the gym to get my after work cardio in while listening to EVOL and wondering why we love such misogynistic music. Maybe Chris Rock was on to something when he said ‘if the beat’s alright she’ll dance all night.’ The plan is to do thirty minutes of cardio then rush to my side of town so I can get groceries and make dinner for me and bae. I’m super juiced to test out my new stainless steel pots and pans in an attempt to make chicken Marsala (per my Weight Watchers recipe guide). As I’m bundling up to head back out into the tundra from the gym I decide I should give him a call to see when I should expect him, but just as I go to grab my phone, he texts me first. ‘Hope you had a great workout.’ I blush as usual and ask what time I should expect him and he replies “I’ll call when I’m on the way.”

I have dosed off on the train at least three times, something I swore I would never do when I first moved here. “How do people sleep on the nasty ass train with all these weird people you don’t know?” I used to wonder. Well for those of us who aren’t homeless it just kind of happens. All of the running around you did that day catches up to you, and when you sit down, the rocking back and forth from the motion of the train just lulls you to sleep. Ten stops later I’m at the grocery store. I rush home, bags in hand while having my daily after work phone call with my best friend. Never do I regret moving to a fourth floor walk up more than when I get groceries. If nothing else, climbing those stairs everyday will get/keep me fine. I don’t know how anyone in New York is overweight with all of the stairs we are constantly climbing. I shower, turn on my Pandora comedy station and start cooking. Everything is coming along nicely and I am feeling pretty freaking proud of myself. Not because I can’t cook. I maintain that I can cook, I just don’t…not as often as I should anyway. But I feel more inclined to do so now that I have my own space, and this Summer trip is almost here. I am so caught up in Louis CK’s astute observations about the world and my culinary skills that I don’t realize how late it has gotten. No word from bae yet. I send him a text, no response. I go ahead and pack my lunch and the leftovers that would be his dinner and head to my room to do some work. An hour passes. Then another, and another and still no word. I call, no answer. Thoughts are as follows:

1) Did something happen to him?
2) Did he fall asleep?
3) Is he with someone else?
4) Should I be this hurt?
5) Of course I should be this hurt
6) How is this happening again?
7) What about this trip he planned for us? And the fact that he met my friends and talked to my mom? Was that real, or was that game? Was any of this real?
8) Am I overreacting?
9) Of course I’m not overreacting

Sleep alludes me right now. My mind is racing and a part of me is still silently hoping he will call and explain, and that there’ll be a valid reason for him standing me up. I pray myself to sleep because nothing else will give me peace right now. I am terrified of going through hurt and disappointment again. I’m angry at this complete disregard for my time and energy. I find myself in an uneasy sleep. I toss and turn, waking up randomly until finally it’s time to get ready for work. I wake up immediately remembering what happened and that today won’t be easy if I don’t get some answers. I text Nikki while on the train because I don’t know how to handle this. My lack of experience with this kind of stuff is rearing its ugly head and I am completely clueless. In true form she gives me a mantra consisting of four things to focus on for the day, because my skepticism about dating is what’s manifesting these things to happen (according to her). So this is my fault? My fears told the universe to allow this to happen? I wonder if this whole law of attraction thing came about as a means to help us feel in control in a world where we have so little. Do we tell ourselves that if we just think positive thoughts, positive things will happen in an effort to soothe ourselves when things don’t go our way? I really don’t know, but I also know I am not willing to take responsibility for being stood up. I get to work with a horrible imitation of a good mood and get an index card from the supply shelf. On it I write the four things to focus on for the day.

1) I am abundant in all areas of my life
2) My faith rejects any negative thoughts
3) The desires of my heart are constantly manifesting
4) The universe responds to who I think I am

That last one doesn’t sit well with me, because I don’t know who I think I am. I know who I want to become and I know that I am not her yet, but I’m not sure who I think I am in this moment. More than anything I wish I could see myself the way other people in my life see me. The people around me think I am so strong and confident and fearless, but I rarely ever feel that way, especially in moments like this. SO maybe I should start thinking that’s who I am and it’ll just happen, because if you tell yourself something long enough, you start to believe it. I feel very uncertain of myself right now, but I know this much, it’s dangerous to not know who you are especially when dating. While this is somewhat a moving target, because we are in a state of perpetual growth, you should have a general idea of who you are. So I think on number 4 all day. I think about specifically what I want, what I won’t settle for, and how I feel. I mull it over in my mind, who do I think I am?

When he finally texts me to apologize promising to make it up to me, I know that I’m not just taking that shit lightly. That’s cute and everything but I need to know what happened that I couldn’t get a call or a text saying you can’t make it. We agree to chat after work. Again, I know myself well enough to know that if I go straight home after work I will drive myself crazy waiting for that phone call. So I make plans to get drinks with a friend.

I give my good Judy the tea while I sip two shots of Patron, because mixed drinks just aren’t worth the calories and it’s too dramatic to actually take these shots at this hour in the day. I head home, and the phone call begins….