I can’t even deal with how cold it is again. We thought the last days of Winter were behind us, but no. I am fully layered up in my puffer coat, hood buttoned, and hands shoved in my fleece lined pockets while the wind is accosting my face. I’m trucking it to the gym to get my after work cardio in while listening to EVOL and wondering why we love such misogynistic music. Maybe Chris Rock was on to something when he said ‘if the beat’s alright she’ll dance all night.’ The plan is to do thirty minutes of cardio then rush to my side of town so I can get groceries and make dinner for me and bae. I’m super juiced to test out my new stainless steel pots and pans in an attempt to make chicken Marsala (per my Weight Watchers recipe guide). As I’m bundling up to head back out into the tundra from the gym I decide I should give him a call to see when I should expect him, but just as I go to grab my phone, he texts me first. ‘Hope you had a great workout.’ I blush as usual and ask what time I should expect him and he replies “I’ll call when I’m on the way.”

I have dosed off on the train at least three times, something I swore I would never do when I first moved here. “How do people sleep on the nasty ass train with all these weird people you don’t know?” I used to wonder. Well for those of us who aren’t homeless it just kind of happens. All of the running around you did that day catches up to you, and when you sit down, the rocking back and forth from the motion of the train just lulls you to sleep. Ten stops later I’m at the grocery store. I rush home, bags in hand while having my daily after work phone call with my best friend. Never do I regret moving to a fourth floor walk up more than when I get groceries. If nothing else, climbing those stairs everyday will get/keep me fine. I don’t know how anyone in New York is overweight with all of the stairs we are constantly climbing. I shower, turn on my Pandora comedy station and start cooking. Everything is coming along nicely and I am feeling pretty freaking proud of myself. Not because I can’t cook. I maintain that I can cook, I just don’t…not as often as I should anyway. But I feel more inclined to do so now that I have my own space, and this Summer trip is almost here. I am so caught up in Louis CK’s astute observations about the world and my culinary skills that I don’t realize how late it has gotten. No word from bae yet. I send him a text, no response. I go ahead and pack my lunch and the leftovers that would be his dinner and head to my room to do some work. An hour passes. Then another, and another and still no word. I call, no answer. Thoughts are as follows:

1) Did something happen to him?
2) Did he fall asleep?
3) Is he with someone else?
4) Should I be this hurt?
5) Of course I should be this hurt
6) How is this happening again?
7) What about this trip he planned for us? And the fact that he met my friends and talked to my mom? Was that real, or was that game? Was any of this real?
8) Am I overreacting?
9) Of course I’m not overreacting

Sleep alludes me right now. My mind is racing and a part of me is still silently hoping he will call and explain, and that there’ll be a valid reason for him standing me up. I pray myself to sleep because nothing else will give me peace right now. I am terrified of going through hurt and disappointment again. I’m angry at this complete disregard for my time and energy. I find myself in an uneasy sleep. I toss and turn, waking up randomly until finally it’s time to get ready for work. I wake up immediately remembering what happened and that today won’t be easy if I don’t get some answers. I text Nikki while on the train because I don’t know how to handle this. My lack of experience with this kind of stuff is rearing its ugly head and I am completely clueless. In true form she gives me a mantra consisting of four things to focus on for the day, because my skepticism about dating is what’s manifesting these things to happen (according to her). So this is my fault? My fears told the universe to allow this to happen? I wonder if this whole law of attraction thing came about as a means to help us feel in control in a world where we have so little. Do we tell ourselves that if we just think positive thoughts, positive things will happen in an effort to soothe ourselves when things don’t go our way? I really don’t know, but I also know I am not willing to take responsibility for being stood up. I get to work with a horrible imitation of a good mood and get an index card from the supply shelf. On it I write the four things to focus on for the day.

1) I am abundant in all areas of my life
2) My faith rejects any negative thoughts
3) The desires of my heart are constantly manifesting
4) The universe responds to who I think I am

That last one doesn’t sit well with me, because I don’t know who I think I am. I know who I want to become and I know that I am not her yet, but I’m not sure who I think I am in this moment. More than anything I wish I could see myself the way other people in my life see me. The people around me think I am so strong and confident and fearless, but I rarely ever feel that way, especially in moments like this. SO maybe I should start thinking that’s who I am and it’ll just happen, because if you tell yourself something long enough, you start to believe it. I feel very uncertain of myself right now, but I know this much, it’s dangerous to not know who you are especially when dating. While this is somewhat a moving target, because we are in a state of perpetual growth, you should have a general idea of who you are. So I think on number 4 all day. I think about specifically what I want, what I won’t settle for, and how I feel. I mull it over in my mind, who do I think I am?

When he finally texts me to apologize promising to make it up to me, I know that I’m not just taking that shit lightly. That’s cute and everything but I need to know what happened that I couldn’t get a call or a text saying you can’t make it. We agree to chat after work. Again, I know myself well enough to know that if I go straight home after work I will drive myself crazy waiting for that phone call. So I make plans to get drinks with a friend.

I give my good Judy the tea while I sip two shots of Patron, because mixed drinks just aren’t worth the calories and it’s too dramatic to actually take these shots at this hour in the day. I head home, and the phone call begins….