I get really comfy in my bed, and brace myself for the worse. This can’t end well, I think to myself. He tries to start the conversation off with pleasantries. How was your workout? Did you stick to your meal plan today? I immediately shut it down and get straight to the point.
“I need to know what happened and why. Why would you make plans with me and just not show up or call or text and let me know you’re not coming? I don’t cook for anybody. I barely cook for myself, so for me to go out of my way to do something for you and you feel no obligation to explain yourself is beyond insulting.” From there he goes into his reluctance to explain himself and we agree that we should take a step back, and stop doing relationship things since we aren’t prepared to go in that direction. He can’t promise that inconsistencies won’t happen again. Here I was thinking we were slowly cruising to Relationship Town, but we’ve come to a screeching halt at the Avenue of Pump Your Brakes, and I Ain’t Ready Boulevard. I feel crushed. The things I got so used to him doing he won’t be doing anymore. I know that’s for the best and all because I don’t want to be lead on, but damn, I felt like we were so close. Wrong again.
We are both hesitant to rush into a relationship. Him because he just got out of a three year relationship in November, and me because I want to take my time before committing to anyone. At my age, there’s no purpose in a commitment if you don’t see yourself marrying the person. Otherwise, you are wasting each other’s time and blocking the potential to meet other candidates. I fully believe that we should be diversifying our portfolios. So you see why I am perfectly fine not having a title just yet, but I will not ever again in my life allow anyone to disrespect me even in the dating phase. I can’t just roll over and accept inconsistency…not again.
So how do we put this on hold without it ending? He proposes we just go on dates for a while. No sleeping over, just date and start from scratch and see what happens from there. I still have that sinking feeling in my stomach. You know the one where you’re on a roller coaster, and just before it drops down, your ears get hot, and your anxiety is at its highest because you know you’re about to fall? I whisper an almost inaudible okay to end the conversation. I take a Valium. I stretch out on my new sheets on my new mattress on my new bed in my new apartment, and I feel comforted that I don’t have to share this with anyone yet. Everything in this place is mine. I worked hard for all of it, and I feel a sense of pride for protecting myself and my space, because this isn’t something I used to do.
I used to be the kind of girl who just wanted to be cool. I never wanted to say too boldly what I wanted or set any standards, because I was so scared of coming off as a nag or a bitch, or running a guy off. What I came to realize after being run over and drug by some guys is that if you don’t set standards, they will seriously do whatever you allow. Furthermore, if you strike fear, anger or resistance in the heart of a guy for saying how you want to be treated, then he’s just not that into you, and that’s okay. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know. It’s a major blow to your ego to accept that someone you want doesn’t want you or want you the way you want them, but a man who wants you wholeheartedly with no questions can’t be scared off. Have you ever had a person have an unrequited crush on you? You remember how relentlessly they pursued you without you doing much of anything? It’s because they knew they wanted you.
I woke up today not needing my Winter coat and was reminded that Spring/Summer AKA Choosing Season is coming up. So all’s well that ends well.