Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your dreams?  Not the dreams you have during your sleep that freak you out when all of your teeth fall out, but your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.  I wake up a lot of nights feeling overwhelmed by how big my dreams are, because it is so hard for me to fathom that they can come true.  And I have this fear that if they don’t I will be in a constant state of never ending restlessness.  I wake up out of my sleep in the wee hours of the morning hungry to make the right move to get me one step closer.  The worse is scrolling through Instagram looking for inspiration and seeing so many people living the life I want to live for myself.  Not that I want anyone else’s life.  I just have this burning desire to make mine so much greater than what it is now, and that desire sometimes consumes me.

We live in this age where people are always trying to motivate you to just follow your dreams.  These quotes are everywhere you turn.  “Go out and do it,” they say, completely unaware of how much it takes to do so.  Dreams take money, and when you don’t come from a family that can fund them for you, it makes your road to success that much more bumpy.  I welcome the bumps, don’t get me wrong.  I want to be able to say that I made it without having anything just handed to me, but some days I yearn for a little bit of ease.  When every dollar you get automatically belongs to someone else, it gets harder and harder to see your goals come to fruition.  It’s like a dark cloud looming over your head.

I start a new job in a few days, and I’m so thankful for the opportunity, but all I can think is this still isn’t enough.  When will I find that opportunity that will be?  It seems so simple.  All I want to do is talk and write about fashion and life with great people, and be impeccably dressed while doing so.  I guess I shouldn’t trouble myself with how God is going to work things out for me.  I can only trust that He will.  This is just one of the many nights that I can’t sleep trying to figure out what my next move should be.

I remember hearing (ironically enough probably from Sex and the City) that in New York you are always either looking for an apartment, a boyfriend, or a job.  I find myself desperately searching for two of those things, and praying that the third will find me when the time is right.

I thought this was interesting art on the walls headed to the roof of The Standard.

So here’s the tea.  My landlord thought it would be a good idea to raise my rent by $200 per month; hence, I have to find a new place to live by September.  Retail is the absolute pits, but I’m making the best of it, and hoping to land something corporate soon.  I’m afraid that my writing career is suffering as a result of my retail job.  I have never been a very artsy fartsy person, but you really have to be in a certain head space to write, and to write well.  Truthfully, after a long day of being so “on” I want to come home and just get horizontal, but I know that no goals will be accomplished that way.

I have to say my first summer in New York has been a tad uneventful albeit pleasant.  Nothing to write home or here about.  Today I actually had an off day that was pretty cool.  I went running in Central Park, and I discovered the joy that is Uniqlo.  Later  we celebrated a friend’s birthday atop the Standard Hotel (where Beyonce filmed the video for “Rocket”) in the Meatpacking District, which is one of my favorite areas here.  The scenery was really nice overlooking the water, but the crowd left an awful lot to be desired.  I will say that the $6 banana and Nutella crepe made it more than worth the trip.  I think I may have a slight Nutella addiction, but hey the first step is to admit it.

Dress: Uniqlo Shoes: H&M Necklace: So old I don’t remember

I feel like I get on here and complain, and that’s not my intention at all, but this is therapeutic for me.  It gives me a chance to vent without running the risk of boring my friends to death.  I love this city honestly.  It’s dirty, smelly, and for the very wealthy, but I have never felt more like I belong.  Everyone that I meet here is working a job to fund their dreams just like I am.  I take comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in what my coworker calls this “beautiful struggle.”

Really dope artwork on the walls headed to the rooftop

There are those rare moments in ones life where you meet someone very casually.  You never have a very intense conversation, but that person impacts you greatly, and you develop an admiration for them from afar.  This happened to me when I met Erika Bearman AKA OscarPRGirl while interning at Oscar de la Renta.

The VP of the department I worked in invited myself and my intern partner to accompany her to a speaking engagement where she would be introducing Erika.  My intern partner, who has become one of my closest friends, and I shot each other a glance as to say “oh shit we get to meet her!”  Via her Instagram handle we had a mutual admiration for the Director of Communications for Oscar.  Living vicariously through her enviable closet, shiny job title, and Instagram photos, she seemed like a celebrity.  We had both seen her so many times gliding through the showroom in heels that made her even more the model she appeared to be.  At first glance I assumed she was one of the many fit models there for market week, but because she was actually clothed unlike the models, I should’ve known she was someone else.  She would flash a quick smile while hustling to dress a socialite or celebrity for a red carpet, but there was never any dialogue, because I dared not to speak. The VP of the department (who shall remain nameless here) introduced Erika, and she began giving the audience a brief overview of how she came to be OscarPRGirl.  I was a tad disappointed to find that she worked her way up in fashion via a meeting set up by her parents.  Fashion was never her initial goal, she told us, she had gotten a degree in Art History.  I’m always a little disheartened when I find out that people I admire in fashion didn’t struggle to get where they are.  It makes it seem like my goals are that much further away.  Not to say those people didn’t/don’t work hard or are undeserving, it just makes me wonder if anyone went through what I’m going through to start a career in this industry. She sat indian style in her Prada platforms, oversized navy pants with off the shoulder black shirt and talked very matter of factly.  She even told us about how Oscar teased her when she dyed her hair blonde, which was met with quite a bit of controversy in the office.

One thing she said stood out to me: if I have to slave away at something for the rest of my life, fashion is a pretty good way to go out.  I felt those words as if she had literally hit me with them.  That statement came at a point in time when my friend and I were feeling overworked and under appreciated and praying that it would all be worth it.  We had both been praying to get through the rest of the semester successfully, and those words gave us the second wind we needed to press on.  After taking time to answer questions, and then to pass out business cards and converse with the audience, my friend and I were left alone with her.  The team we worked for left to get drinks and told us to let Erika know where they were headed.  Perfect!  We have a reason to talk to her.  She was so pleasant.  Her grace, the way she carried herself, her confidence, her style, her advice all of those things stuck with me.  We never communicated beyond “hi how are you?” and casual pleasantries, and I am certain that if I ever saw her on the street she would have no idea who I am.  But I must admit that I feel privileged to have met her and to have observed her work ethic.  There are times when I am beyond tired and I just want to go to the safety of my southern home, but I always remember what she said that day in that auditorium and I push forward.

One of my favorite style bloggers is UK based Soraya De Carvalho.  You can check out her blog here http://styleismything.blogspot.com.  Her style is so next level to me.  She never just looks dressed, she is always styled, which is evident in the details of her ensembles.  Oh and can we get into that great hair?  Here are some of my favorite looks from her, but there are so many more.  I encourage you to explore her site for outfit inspiration.  On a positive note in the midst of me applying for full time jobs, I was able to get something part time that I applied for months ago, so I’ll be posting more outfit pictures soon.

 “I know who I am. I love who I am. I like what I do, and I like how I do it. I like my mistakes and I like the pace at which I learn from my mistakes. I don’t want to be anybody else but me, and by knowing this, I want to continue figuring out who the f*ck I am.”

Zoe Saldana

I came across this quote via twitter and it really resonated with me.  Today I hit the pavement and went to Bloomingdale’s and Barney’s New York trying to pimp myself out to employers, but to no avail.  That’s the thing about applying for jobs online.  It takes away your ability to really sell yourself outside of your application.  So I figured I would go to the HR department after I submitted online applications, but didn’t get to speak with anyone.  I got to leave my resume with the concierge at Barney’s (she said with heavy sarcasm) but that was about it.

I treated myself to some Thai and a tasty crepe and headed home.  No sooner than I got in the house did a thunderstorm start, so I ate and took a great nap.  There’s something about when it rains here that makes me feel really lonely and super single.  I was almost relieved when I came across that quote, because it reminded me that that’s what I should be using this time for.  I keep thinking that I’m ready for a relationship, but I think I want to continue figuring out who the f*ck I am.  I’ve become almost frighteningly comfortable being alone, because of all the things I continue to learn about myself.  I can only hope that the person I’m supposed to be with will bring me out of that.

Use the “down time” in your life to get to know you and figure out who you are, because believe it or not you’re amazing.  The confidence that comes from being secure within yourself helps you not to settle for anything less than what you want in life as a whole.  The fear of being alone makes a lot of people settle for some unbelievable things, especially in relationships.  I’ve been there and it’s not fun.  Don’t be that person.

Everyone is on a never ending quest to find themselves.  You may be comfortable at certain points in your life with who and what you are, but we always find ourselves attempting reinvent ourselves.  This has become so much more apparent to me with people my age.  I scroll through my Twitter feed and I see the “fake deep” contrarians who think they have everything figured out, and post tweets as if they’ve stumbled upon some great social revelation.  I see the girl that has clearly been hurt too many times before, so much so that she has now begun to identify with the men that wronged her and is “going back to the old her.”  Then there are the woman haters.  The men that start most of their social media posts with phrases like: “a lot of y’all women need to (insert pretentious chauvinistic typical phrase here).”  They’ve been hurt once or twice by a few chicks that were trying to find themselves too, and by their reasoning all women are horrible creatures that are a curse upon the earth.

At any rate, the commonality amongst people trying to find themselves or figure life out is that there’s a lot of collateral damage incurred along the way.  As you try to mold yourself into who and what you want to be you come to discover that some people don’t fit into that ideal.  You outgrow some people, and some become disposable.  I realized that I, like many of my friends have fallen victim to this.  It’s ok to want to grow and evolve, and discover the best you that you can be, but keep in mind the people you hurt on that journey.  Some of us would prefer to be left off of that ride.  Just a thought.

I am officially a graduate of the Fashion Institute of Technology, and it really hasn’t quite sunk in yet.  I can’t believe that I don’t have a million and one things to worry about right now.  I have accepted a position as a freelance writer for Style Blazer so look out for my articles on there.  Of course I will still be updating Not Carrie Bradshaw, now even more than before.  Since I no longer have to worry about school and interning, I can devote more time to writing and developing my craft.

Me on graduation day wearing BCBG under my gown.

I feel like I’ve come through one phase of my journey successfully, and now the sky truly is the limit.  I always thought that phrase to be overs used, but I genuinely feel that way.  There were so many obstacles that presented themselves to make this seem like an impossible feat, and I can’t believe that it’s done.  The confidence that comes from achieving something through adversity is like no other.  I don’t think that graduating Magna Cum Laude would have as much significance if it weren’t for the personal and financial obstacles.  I feel like I can do anything at this point in my life, and I don’t expect for any of it to be easy.  I once shied away from what was difficult, thinking that if it were for me it would be easier to achieve.  I now see the error in that way of thinking.  I welcome challenges now, because they make victory that much sweeter.

Sunday was a beautiful day in New York.  I decided that I should enjoy it by going for a run in Central Park.  I jogged around the reservoir whilst avoiding running into tourists taking selfies, although I’m sure there is a very nice Asian family with a blur of a black chick running through their family photo somewhere out there.  Anyway though, I remembered there being this really pretty angel statue at the foot of a huge set of stairs, so I ventured off to find it.  I think that stairs are the perfect workout.  I’m no fitness instructor, but I feel like you get cardio and a butt lift all in one, so I try to force myself to run stairs whenever I can.

As I’m walking I see about four or five different brides taking pictures in their white gowns.  Initially I was thinking “oh how nice for them,” and then I started thinking “ok it’s time for me to go.”  I’m just way too single to be in the midst of all that without feeling a way.  So I find the statue and the stairs, but they are full of spectators looking at street performers.  Clearly the second part of my workout is not going to happen so I go down to at least get a picture of the angel statue so this walk wasn’t a complete waste of time.  I have my earphones in blasting some sort of ratchet southern music so I can’t hear much of anything, but I somehow hear someone say “excuse me.” I turn around and there is a guy getting one knee to propose to his girlfriend and I was all in the way.  Embarrassed, I apologized and scooted out of the way as a homeless man laughed a toothless laugh at me while he put his feet in the fountain.  I concluded my work out for the day and went home, but anyway here’s a picture of what I now know to be called the Bethesda Fountain and some other random Central Park observations.

It seems so lame and cliche, but on rainy days when I don’t have any reason to leave the house, I start to feel really introspective.  Maybe it’s the still of my room as I lay there and listen to the rain like I’m in a Boyz to Men video, but something about the mood of the day just lends itself to deep thought.

Today, instead of giving in to thoughts of fear and anxiety about the future I thought about the importance of challenges.  In my 26 years I think I’ve finally learned to accept them, and welcome them as they usually lead to a better me.  I can’t wait to see what’s on the other side of today’s challenges.  Anyway I have a semi interview tomorrow so I should probably go to bed after I add some fashion news.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated the site, but I have spent the past couple of weeks wrapping up my internship at Oscar de la Renta, completing term projects, studying for finals, and job hunting.  All of this in preparation for graduation next Thursday (insert series of excited emojis here).  I have accepted a freelance writing position with a major fashion blog, details on that coming when everything is finalized; however, I still need to find full time work, which is a job in and of itself.  I’m doing everything I can to stay positive about the job hunt, but it’s so terrifying to think that after all of my sacrificing and hard work, I’ll have to go back home to Atlanta.  I’m definitely making strides towards my media career, but the things I’m doing aren’t generating revenue yet.  Let’s be real here you can’t eat, pay bills, and keep a roof over your head using hopes, dreams, and aspirations as currency.  So send up a prayer or two for me that a sustainable source of income comes along so that I can stay in New York!

It can be so discouraging to stay on your journey when you’re faced with money problems.  I feel like everything right now comes down to money, and it’s like a dark cloud looming over my head not knowing where my next check is coming from.  It seems like unless you cross over into the 1% those problems are always there.  As you accumulate more money, you buy more things, and have more financial obligations.  While my friends are literally buying houses, Beamers, and Benzes I’m trying to figure out how to catch upon my bills, pay my rent, and eat.  My financial future looks so bleak right now, but I won’t be discouraged.  I know there are other people that may came along after me that will need to know that I endured this part of my journey so that they will have the motivation to do so as well.  There are so many things that I need to take care of and I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but I’m trusting that God will make a way for me.  After all sometimes your struggles are not for you, but rather for you to be an example to someone else that needs to see how you overcame it.

Looking forward to graduation, seeing my family and friends, and an epic summer ahead of me.  By the way the pictures are from a photo shoot that I did for my final project in my fashion journalism class.  The idea was to show three different ways to wear a denim button down shirt.  Hope you like.