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If you are returning, heeeeeyyyyy!!
Have you ever noticed that in life we tend to accept the things we feel we deserve? We only go after the things we know we will excel in, because we are afraid to fail. We subconsciously seek out partners we are comfortable with even if they aren’t good for us, because we don’t want to face rejection from someone better. BTW, it takes far too many heartbreaks to learn that comfort doesn’t always equal happiness. We settle for jobs that don’t feed our passion, because we would rather have the safety of guaranteed cash than to risk the unknown. We will accept mediocrity and unhappiness simply because we are afraid. That fear manifests itself into self-sabotage, as a means to avoid having to face possible disappointment. The thing is that when we play it safe, we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience the fullness of our capabilities. I have done that my entire life without realizing it.
Apparently at some point very early on (I can’t recall exactly when because I’m no spring chicken) I experienced a rejection so troubling that I ran to that feeling every time I wanted to go after something greater than what I had. Whatever that pivotal rejection was wounded me so deeply, and shattered my self-confidence so immensely, that even as a 29 year old woman I still lean on that hurt as an excuse to settle.
Here’s an example. Allow me to take you back. Insert 90’s era sitcom dream sequence here. There was a guy who I formed an amazing friendship with when I was an 18 year old freshman at Georgia Southern University. I thought so highly of him, and so low of myself that despite his constant professions of love for me over the course of our friendship, I never fully allowed myself to believe him. I thought how can this amazing guy really feel this way about me, when he can have anyone he wants? I rejected the idea of him loving me so vehemently that I did the most destructive things to shut down any chance he and I would’ve ever had of being together. I completely sabotaged myself. In my mind it was better for him to not know he was the only person I wanted than to face him telling me he didn’t feel the same way. This man came to my literal rescue time and time again, and talked me down off a few figurative ledges for years. But, my complete lack of self-confidence made me overly sensitive to everything he would say and do, causing us to mutually push each other away. For years, I was haunted with thoughts of what if? In retrospect, the unknowing was far worse than what it would’ve felt like for him to reject me.
So I sit here now older and wiser, yet I’m doing the same thing again with my career. I thought that I was such a risk-taker, especially because so many other people regard me as such. I thought that making the big move to the big city meant I was showing this huge act of faith, and that alone should be enough to carry me through to the next level. I didn’t realize until a few months ago that I wasn’t really doing as much as I should/could. I got so comfortable that I started to feel antsy. I started to feel discontent and restless in my spirit, because something in me knew that I wasn’t doing enough. I have wanted to put more into this site and into my brand for a while, but I was so afraid to fail in front of everyone. Like, could you imagine being Meek Mill and taking L after L with everyone watching? The horror! I kept thinking I’m not good enough yet, give it a few months. Lose a little weight, then try it out. Save up some money, and then do it. I made excuse after excuse, until I finally ran out. I did that thing we all do when we run out of answers: pray. It’s actually the first thing we should do, but hey I’m human. One night in my bed I cried so hard that I started to pray, and then I started to cry because I was praying so hard. I kept asking God to help me to see what was wrong with me. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be disciplined enough to commit to consistently taking steps to create a better life for myself. I didn’t realize I was just fighting against myself. We always think to fight the external enemy (whatever yours is) but sometimes you are actually your own enemy. Sometimes the voice you keep hearing telling you that you can’t do something is actually your own, and that’s some scary shit to realize. Why would you speak against yourself? Why would you tell yourself you couldn’t be better? It’s because on some level you are just trying to protect yourself from potential failure, and/or disappointment. I saw that by hiding behind fear, I was holding myself back from so much.
So I promise you, my readers that you will get more from me more consistently. I won’t be afraid anymore. I am out of my own head, and out of my own way to make this site better. Let’s grow and laugh together for a while, shall we?