Am I the only person who is confused by women identifying as mermaids and unicorns?  Did I miss the pop culture reference point here?  This is no judgement to those people.  By no means am I trying to be one of those, “Oh I’m so cool because I’m not with the latest fads” type of people, but I’m just so confused by the recent uptick in women’s identification with mythological creatures.

There are three types of people:

1. Those who go to Coachella
2. Those who judge those who are going to Coachella
3. And those of us who are looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday morning

Alicia Keys continues to be fake deep, and I just need to be left alone by her.

In terms of the rules of feminism, is it okay for me to not like a person even though she’s a woman?  Like, am I obligated to like every woman in the world, because the patriarchy has been plotting to make us hate each other since the dawn of time?

Would it be wrong of me to start a GoFundMe for laser lipo?  Asking for a friend…who is me.  I am the friend.

I tried to watch the show Big Little Lies, and I don’t ever recall being that bored in my life.  By episode three, I tapped out, googled the plot, and moved on with my life.  Women in my office were highly offended by this, so I’m pretty proud of myself.

I get really annoyed when people approach my desk and ask me to do things, as if it isn’t my job to do things.  It’s just that I am often times knee deep into a BuzzFeed quiz that will reveal what flavor Starburst I am, and I cannot be disturbed from such important work.

Pitching to media outlets is basically me sending emails to strangers saying: Hi, I have some thoughts, can I please share them on your website and then you pay me for it?

Drake’s celebrity exes are really flourishing.  Serena is a world renowned athlete who dominated the tennis court while pregnant, and will soon be married.  J. Lo seems to be happy with a sports ball dude. Rihanna (is Rihanna) and is currently projected onto the Empire State Building in celebration of Harper’s Bazaar’s 150^th anniversary.  Maybe getting phuckboy’d by Drake is the key to all happiness and success in the world.