Hello friends. It’s been a minute, and much like your ex, I am dropping back in your life like nothing happened. Can we chat about a few beauty and fashion things? I’ll be brief.
Does Fashion Nova know that the Instagram promos for their jeans make them look like they’d give you a wicked yeast infection? I’m all for a pair of jeans that will fit my butt, but must my vag suffer for it?
I would like to petition to start a day honoring Nike Tech wear for men. I’m not sure what it is about that well-fitting jacket, and those tapered at the ankle pants, anchored by a good sneaker that just really does it for me. In fact, one of my worst dating decisions was solidified by a fresh haircut and a Nike Tech fit. If I ever become a world leader, I am mandating that men have to wear well tailored suits, or Nike Tech wear at all times. I think this will balance out the years of oppressive style expectations for women.
Speaking of irrational fashion expectations, I need for the industry to actually start giving women clothes with a feminist touch. I don’t mean t-shirts with quotes from Virginia Wolf. I mean dresses with pockets, and cute shirts that aren’t all backless. What the hell does a girl have to do to get a backless bra that goes up to a G or H cup? We can put a man on the moon, but we haven’t figured out how to defy gravity where it really matters (to me)? Come on science! Do your jobs!
Is it me, or are swimsuits getting ridiculous? A fashion brand that shall remain nameless (until they pay me) has a bikini top that literally just fits over the nipples. FFS just go topless. Free the nipple. Am I right ladies?
Spring is the deadbeat father Tyler Perry warned us about, it never showed. We skipped right on over to Summer, which means sundress season is upon us. Beloveds, let us not have VPL this season. There are full coverage underwear out there that aren’t thongs if you find those uncomfortable. Also, look but don’t touch (without consent) or vocally harass. Thanks, yo mama.
Can we all agree right now that unless you are at least a B list celebrity there is no paparazzi following you to film you in these looks? We know that you know your friend is filming you. Why are you refusing to look at the camera? You know that we know you know, ya know?
Your Achilles tendon deserves so much more than the way you guys shred them in these flats. If you haven’t been able to break a pair of shoes in without said shoe kicking your ass, return them FFS. Or, try Blister Block. And also, ask them to pay me for that plug.
Lastly, if you ever need to be reminded of how far makeup has come for Black women, look at some photos of Queen Naomi Campbell from the 90’s. Sure everyone looked awful with razor thin eyebrows and frosty eye shadow, but Naomi was the lone Black girl out there looking gray in the face. A pioneer. An icon. A queen. She suffered so we don’t have to.