My not namesake once said, “in New York, they say, you’re always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment.” Well what the hell happens when you realize you might have all three? You get scared that’s what. I feel afraid that at any moment either of those things can go away without any real cause. And while I know that I can recover from damn near anything, going through the emotion of losing something (even if it’s for the best) is hard to endure.
I realize how lit my life is right now and my un-diagnosed anxiety is at an all time high, because I’m afraid I can’t handle all of these blessings. I know that sounds weird, because shouldn’t I just be happy? Shouldn’t I just be thankful and live in the moment that the things I have prayed for are coming into fruition? The scripture “pour me out a blessing that I shall not have room enough to receive,” is beyond accurate. There are things happening for me that I didn’t even know to ask God for. The guy in my life is so incredibly sweet and thoughtful and kind, and when you’re used to dealing with the opposite (phuckboys) it almost scares you for someone to be so consistently…consistent. For example “The Boy” as we will call him for now takes out my trash every time he leaves my house. That’s not even a thing I ever thought about a guy doing for me, but he does it without me asking. Simple things like that to show me that he respects my space and how hard I work to maintain it just make me all blushy. Yet a small part of me is giving him the side eye, because I’m wondering when he’s gonna change. When is he gonna stop being this good to me? So I don’t want to get comfortable or accustom to having him in my life, because
men people can lose interest just as quickly as they show it. Having had my heart broken a few times I know I’m not in a place where I can handle having the rug pulled from under me like that. My friend’s advice is: “don’t get too attached or emotionally involved yet.” And they say this as if it’s an easy thing to do. Question: how do you get to know someone and give them a fair shot without getting emotionally involved? Are you giving it a real chance if you’re that guarded? I wonder if guys know the damage they do to girls when they are so horrible to them. I wonder if they know or care how much they scar and wound with their lack of concern for your feelings. I don’t want to be that person at all. I hate being the girl with trust issues as it is so cliche. It’s not okay to punish someone for the wrongdoing of others, yet you want so badly to save yourself from being hurt again. It comes down to finding a balance somewhere in the middle which comes with practice, something I don’t have a lot of. I am what you call a bad dater. I don’t like anyone and I mean anyone. I find a lot of guys to be draining, so when I find someone I actually like I focus solely on that person. Sure I would love to diversify my portfolio, but I just don’t find many guys worth the initial investment of my time or energy.
I’m afraid that I’m not writing enough or writing well enough or often enough to feed this part of my career. That I’m not learning enough about fashion to become the expert I want to be. That I’m not well read enough to speak about the things that are actually important. I worry about my spending habits in relation to the major financial responsibilities I’ve signed up for in getting a one bedroom apartment, and that I can’t seem to get my eating habits under control. (I am very aware that these are first world problems by the way).
My new apartment is so great. The fact that I can pee with the door open is so liberating. You have no idea. I truly from the depths of my soul do not like peeing or stopping to get gas, because there is never an opportune time to do either of those things. You always have to get gas when you’re on the way somewhere, and you always have to pee when you’re asleep or in the middle of doing something. Just the fact that I can run in my house after having not gone to the bathroom and do so with the bathroom door open is just a real life blessing in my eyes. And then I think about how much I am paying for that simple luxury and I panic. My mind drifts and wonders what if I can’t handle this? To whom much is given much is tested. So I’m pretty sure I’m being tested and psyching myself up everyday to believe I can do this. That I am equipped for this. That this is what I’ve ‘trained’ for. I am both terrified and excited about life at the same damn time.
I can tell you one thing I have realized. There is no trick, potion, or easy method of getting what you want out of life. The major key is just to do the work. Why am I only just now understanding the brilliance behind ‘Just Do It?’ That’s really all it takes. Just do the work and let God handle the rest.