Nothing has been a greater thief of joy in my life than insecurity. It is a silent killer that sneaks up in the depths of your consciousness and slowly but surely steals away your happiness, your self worth, and your confidence. It is like a cancer that eats away at the things that make you feel whole, and as those things lose their ability to give you peace, a domino effect starts and you quietly lose your shit. Not only your insecurity, but the people around you’s insecurity can rob you of joy as well. It’s a dangerous disease, but it can be cured.
I started week two at my new job on Monday. The initial thrill of being gainfully employed with medical benefits, PTO, 401K, and salary wore off very quickly as I realized “oh shit this is real.” Sitting in meetings and trainings all day learning what my new responsibilities will be, and how impactful my role is to the company sent me in a mental panic.
On my list of monthly declarations I said that I wanted a job that would challenge me in addition to being professionally and personally beneficial. We must be careful what we ask for, because I certainly got it with this new position. In addition to learning the technology and software used to do my job, I also have to learn the strategy and methodology behind how we make our decisions. These decisions are incredibly impactful on the overall business. I suppose my assigned mentor could sense my apprehension since she pulled me to the side to have a “touch base” meeting. She shared that she could sense that I was feeling overwhelmed and urged me to be more confident in my new role.
I thought “damn is it really that obvious?” My attempts to reassure her that I’m fine fell on deaf ears, and I left work that evening in very deep thought. “How could she have sensed my doubts that I can do this job? She just met me. How is it that obvious?” I asked myself on the frigid walk to the train, while the disrespectful ass wind blew my fur lined hood smooth off my head. I didn’t even put my earphones in, because I didn’t want to be distracted by anything but my thoughts. I realized how much my self doubt and insecurity over the course of my life have taken things away from me. In my 27 years I have accomplished some great things. I’m no wunderkind, but I have done ok for myself. And even in knowing this I still get too deep into my own head sometimes and the doubt sinks in. Just to add insult to injury that same week a very close friend of mine said to me: “you have to be more confident in yourself. Imagine how far along you would be if you just stopped thinking so small.” Okay, God is clearly trying to tell me something here this week.
I said all of this to say that I am determined to allow myself to be great. I no longer want to stop myself from doing things that I know I am capable of doing. We have to be fearless and strong in the pursuit of our goals. You cannot be timid about telling the universe what you want and that you are going to go get it. Say that shit and believe it wholeheartedly. You have to get out of your own way, and even if you stumble, play it off and keep it moving. This isn’t to say that everything will go your way if you believe in yourself. Rather, it is to say that just because you may fail doesn’t mean you’re not still capable. Failure and mistakes build character, they make you more human so don’t dwell on those times. Learn from them and with a smile and a strong desire to be better, move on. Keep telling yourself: I can do this and don’t allow insecurity to sneak in and remind you of that one time you messed up. Rid yourself of the things that make you doubt you and be on your best Beyonce (or whomever).